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Sat, 23 Aug 2008 09:59:18 +0200

My first blog. Where do I start - maybe from the beginning, or part way? Maybe I should just start with where I am now - you think?

Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

But wait, you don't know me, I don't know you - I make that a good way to start. This means I can start anywhere I like & maybe fill in the gaps as I go along.

I think I'll just jump straight in with a shitty start to my day

I called my husband useless. I told him he makes a "pigs ear out of everything." (whatever the fuck that means!!) How mean & nasty is that?
Of course I didn't mean it. I never mean it. I wish I could control my voice, but sometimes it feels I'm possessed, like someone is inside me shooting these nasty words from my mouth & I can't stop it, I lose control for a few minutes, then I have to say sorry for something I had no control over.

Of course we made up. We always do. I said Sorry - not something I do often... I've worked out that I always - yes - always turn things around to make it other peoples fault for upsetting me. Maybe that's how mental illness works.

Oh, yes, I have a mental illness, maybe I should have mentioned that first, well, there you go, I said it, I actually typed it into a blog. Now the computer knows

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The first Breath

half way through